Falling more and more…

Wow, it’s been quite the ride since I last posted. So much to say and no clue how to say it. By the time this entry posts I will have been dating Eric for one week. Oh what a week it’s been! It’s been great, honestly and truly just fantastic. Eric is an amazing guy. Whenever we’re together I find myself liking him more and more. I keep falling for him harder and harder. I can tell you a lot of reasons I like him. He’s happy most of the time, just genuinely happy. It makes it so fun being around him. He doesn’t make me feel self-conscious about being a nerd. He likes that I’m a nerd, but it’s not why he likes me… if that makes sense. Like, he appreciates that I like computers and all that nerdy stuff and it’s really fun talking with him about things like that, but unlike some other guys it’s not the only thing he sees… again, not sure if that makes sense to anyone else, but that’s the way it is. I love just sitting there and watching him working on his Chinese (I love watching him speak Chinese, I know most girls get frustrated when guys use their mission languages… but, let’s be honest, I’m a linguistics major for a reason…) or pretty much anything. On Sunday we went to his sister’s house and it was so fun to watch him playing with his niece and nephews. Honestly, few things melt me faster than a guy who is good with kids, and Eric is incredible. Those kids love him more than anything. Anything that I can think of doing is so much more fun just by having him there. Even just tonight when I was working on my phonology exam, totally fun because he was there next to me on the couch and we were just listening to music together and studying. He’s totally friendly, I swear we can’t walk 10 yards anywhere on campus without him finding someone he knows. He has a strong testimony and you can see it by what he does and not just what he says. We went up to the temple on Wednesday to do baptisms together, he’s always reading his scriptures, he’s good at doing his home teaching, all those kinds of things I can totally tell are important to him. He’s a great singer, and I’m told a great violinist as well. He’s totally been helping me keep on track with my school work, and keeps reminding me to go back to my studies, but not in such a way that I resent him for it… if that makes sense. He’s really low key and easy going which makes him fun to be around because I don’t have to worry about him suddenly turning on me or anything. This next comment is going to sound strange, but I don’t know how else to say it. I can really tell that he likes me because he’s been staying up late to be with me even though he has really early shifts (by early I mean like 5am) and he’s been getting next to no sleep and spending upwards of 9 hours with me at a time. Not that I don’t want him to be getting sleep, in fact I feel really bad about that… but I never want to go home or send him home until I have to… and we both seem to have things we’re working on right up until curfew, and if it’s between having him studying with me or both of us studying on our own, I’d much rather study with him. Honestly, he’s found a way to fulfill pretty much all of the little stupid things that make a guy really attractive to me, and the things that I always wish a guy would do for me. Oh! And he came in on Tuesday to meet the YA tech crew, and he even pitched in to help us reorganize the tech room so we could fit Bertha inside. That totally was cool to me. It really is the little things, like he was sitting up at the top of the stairs waiting for me when I got out of class on Wednesday, and he wanted me to come and be with him in the stats lab today even if he was just working on homework. I’m not sure why those things mean so much to me, but I just like that he likes being around me. It makes me feel less self-conscious about wanting to be around him.

Ok, but my LiveJournal also happens to be where I feel like I’m allowed to say the things that I’m too scared to say anywhere else. But I have to let it out somewhere. I’m scared as all get out. We’re moving really fast. Really fast. We’d only really been friends for 4 days when we decided to “go out” together. We hadn’t even been on a date yet! We kissed on our first date, not a typical practice for me… but we were already going out so it felt like a completely different ball game. It seemed really dumb to pretend like we needed to wait for something else to happen first. My mom has been saying that we need to slow down… but I’m not exactly sure what I’m supposed to do. Spend less time with him? That seems super dumb since this is some of the very little free time I get all year and this is DEFINITELY how I want to spend it. Plus, I’m so much more productive when I’m around him (yes, even though he distracts me a lot of the time). Not kiss him? Hahaha, yeah right, not happening. But at the same time, every so often I look over and realize that I hardly know him. I don’t care how much time we’ve spent together, we’ve sorta been too busy to truly get to know each other. I’m not entirely sure what I mean by that. On the other hand I feel like I ought to have known him forever because it seems like we think the same on so many different things. But… yeah, it hasn’t even been two weeks that we’ve been good friends, let alone going out.

Although, that’s not what’s really bothering me I don’t think. Yeah, we’re moving pretty quick, but it’s not like it feels wrong and I’m really ok with it. I think what scares me is how little I trust myself anymore. Eric hasn’t given me a single reason to distrust him, and I honestly deep down feel like he is one of the best people I have ever met in my life. But I guess my heart learned its lesson last time. Having your heart broken hurts… a TON. Not that my heart hasn’t mended… it has, I’m SO over it and have been for a long time, but it doesn’t mean it’s something I’m eager to go through again. And I don’t think Eric is the kind of guy who would break my heart. I’ve already told you what a great guy I think he is. But, we also know that I’ve proved in the past that my people judgments aren’t always what they ought to be. I believe and see the best in people. As a general rule it’s a good thing, but it can get me into a lot of trouble, as I’ve already proven. I’m scared to death that I’m going to wake up and find out that it’s all been a dream or that I’ve been totally wrong about Eric. I know that it’s all a part of the whole game that we go through, and it’s worth it. I know it is. Believe me, I went through all the reasons I like Eric and trust him earlier, and I meant every single word of it. Luckily, I have people who I know I can trust on every side of me telling me that they think I’ve done well, that Eric totally does deserve my trust and I’m not just being led blindly. I guess I just need to be patient with myself. All of my ducks are falling into rank and it’s all going to work out just fine.

Lest anyone get too concerned, don’t think I’m going to stop seeing Eric or anything, quite to the contrary, I just want to build up more trust with him in my head. Which actually involves more of what we’ve done already, just being around him, really getting to know him better. I’m absolutely crazy about the guy. I have no idea what I could have done to deserve him and I know that he doesn’t in the least deserve this stupid mistrust of guys that has built up in my head. He’s too good to me. He helps me stay focused and is just there for me. I can talk to him about anything, I LOVE that. He likes me for being who I am. Oh, and did I mention that he’s a really good kisser and really good looking? I could sit there and stare into his eyes forever and be content. Yaknow, he’s probably the first person… ever who I could look into their eyes for longer than 30 seconds and not chicken out and break the gaze. I really believe that eyes are the windows to a person’s soul and it’s always scared me to let someone look into my eyes for too long because I was either scared of what they would find or what I would find by looking back. I want Eric to find those things, and I want to find them in him. I wish I could tell him exactly how much I like him (I’ll give you a hint… it’s more than a lot). I just hope I can be as good to him as he’s been to me. *I know, it’s all sappy and sick, but he’s a great guy… *

Alright, I’ve almost fallen asleep a dozen times in those last couple paragraphs… it’s time for bed. Good night! 🙂

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